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Hey — Clay here!

I’ve had something sitting in the back of my mind for a while now: this tired narrative that men shut down emotionally because it’s “unmanly,” and the constant push for men to be more vulnerable, more open, more expressive — usually in whatever style someone else prefers.

There’s a bit of truth in there… but not the whole truth.

Let’s dig in.🔥

You Can Feel—Just Not Like That

There’s a lot of talk these days about how men need to be “more in touch with their emotions.” And sure — that’s not completely wrong. Plenty of guys grew up without a roadmap for what to do with what they feel. Most of us were taught how to control ourselves, but not how to express ourselves.

But here’s the part no one really wants to acknowledge:

Men don’t simply suppress emotion because it’s ‘unmanly’ — that’s only part of the story, and a lazy way to explain the whole picture.

Equally — or often more — they suppress it because they’ve learned their emotions are unwelcome.

Not all emotions — just the ones that don’t land with perfect polish.

A lot of women — and by extension, society — say they want men to open up. And they genuinely mean it… up to a point.

But if a man shows frustration?
It’s “scary,” or it makes people feel “unsafe.”

If he raises his voice?
It’s “anger issues,” or he’s “toxic.”

If he doesn’t get the words right on the first try?
It’s “you’re shutting down.”

So men learn a quiet rule over time:
You can feel — just not like that.

And it doesn’t just apply to “negative” emotions.

Even excitement gets edited.
A lot of guys get louder when they’re excited. Their voice lifts, their energy jumps — not in anger, just in genuine excitement. It’s how many men are wired.

But often, the people around them—usually someone more sensitive to volume or sudden intensity—will say, “Hey, why are you being so loud?”

They’re not trying to shut him down or hurt his feelings. They’re just reacting to the spike in energy.

But the effect is the same:

What started as his joy suddenly becomes about someone else’s comfort.
And in that split second, the emotion that was filling him up gets redirected into managing the moment instead.

It’s never said out loud.
But it’s felt.

And that’s the trap, really.
We’ve started confusing emotional health with emotional style.
We don’t judge the heart — we judge the delivery.
We tell men to express themselves, but only in ways that fit a certain emotional format.

The approved format tends to be:

• soft

• calm

• self-aware

• measured

• verbal

• tidy

And ironically, that reinforces the same problem we say we want solved.

Because what happens when you finally do express something and immediately hear:

• “Calm down.”

• “Say it nicer.”

• “Don’t be so loud.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

So you shut it down.
Because over time, most men learn that it’s easier to suppress what they’re feeling than to deal with the unpredictability of how those emotions will be received — especially by people who believe they have a handle on the “proper” way emotions should be expressed.

And here’s the part everyone tiptoes around:

If a man insinuates a woman is emotional, it’s a stereotype.
If a woman tells a man how to be emotional, it’s considered guidance.

It’s a double standard.
Not a malicious one — just a cultural one.
And nobody can fix it by yelling at it.

Here’s what I think is actually true:

Men don’t need to express emotion the way women do.
And women don’t need to express emotion the way men do.

Healthy relationships don’t force sameness — they build translation.

Emotional maturity isn’t about mimicking someone else’s emotional style.
It’s about being honest and responsible inside your own.

Men feel deeply.
Joy, frustration, affection, stress, hope, love, exhaustion, excitement, despair — all of it.

They just rarely feel like they have permission to express those feelings in the way they naturally arise. Men’s emotions have to be—paradoxically—real, honest, authentic, and vulnerable, while simultaneously sanitized for public consumption.

The better vision — the one that actually works — looks something like this:

Healthy men feel fully.
Healthy women allow room for those feelings to look different.
Healthy couples build a bridge between two emotional languages, instead of demanding one person switch native tongues.

Men don’t need coaching into someone else’s version of emotional expression.
They need space, patience, trust, and a little grace while they translate what’s going on inside.

Not perfectly.
Not quietly.
Not in “the right way.”

Just honestly.

And that’s enough.
In fact — that’s maturity.

Until next time—
keep the fires burning.
– Clay

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