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Morning — it’s Clay.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea we hear everywhere: “Check on your friends.” It’s good advice. Necessary, even. But there’s a part nobody really talks about — the part that actually makes it work: honesty. Not theirs. Ours.

Let’s get into it. 🔥

Go First (The Other Half of “Check In on Your Friends”)

Last week, I wrote about chaperoning a church youth retreat with my son. It was one of those weekends where you’re equal parts tired and thankful — not quite enough sleep, way too much coffee, and a reminder that community still matters.

One of the heavier moments of the weekend started as a conversation about choosing your friends wisely. But it didn’t stay there long; it turned into a deeper talk about men’s mental health.

The news had just broken about Dallas Cowboys defensive end Marshawn Kneeland’s apparent suicide, and it hit hard.

We talked about Robin Williams, too — how some of the funniest, kindest people seem to carry the heaviest pain. The kind of men who are always cracking jokes, keeping the mood light, and making sure everyone else is okay.

And the phrase kept coming up over and over:
“Check in with your friends.”

Solid advice. It’s everywhere now, and for good reason. Men are lonelier than ever, and too many are struggling quietly. A text, a call, a lunch — those small check-ins matter more than most of us realize.

But the more I’ve thought about it this week, the more I’ve realized something is missing from that advice.

We always talk about checking in with your friends.
But we rarely talk about being honest when they check in with you.

The Easier Half

Asking “How are you doing?” is the easy part.
Answering it honestly is harder.

Most of us have the same script ready:
“I’m good.”
“All’s fine.”
“Can’t complain.”

And here’s the funny thing — we want the people we care about to be honest with us. We want them to open up, to tell us what’s really going on. But we rarely offer them the same in return.

It’s almost like there’s an unspoken expecation:
I’ll tell you I’m fine, but you be honest with me.

We want to be the helper, the steady one, the friend others can lean on — but that’s exactly what keeps us from leaning back.

We don’t want to worry anyone.
We don’t want to make things awkward.
We don’t want to seem weak.

But when we hide behind “I’m fine,” we quietly teach our friends to do the same.
And before long, everyone’s carrying more than they should, waiting for someone else to go first.

Real Strength Looks Different

When we tell someone we’re fine when we’re not, we’re not protecting them — we’re protecting our image.

And if we all do that — if we all play the role of the strong, unshakable friend — then nobody ever gets to be honest.

We can’t expect vulnerability from others if we never offer it ourselves.
Someone has to go first.

That doesn’t mean unloading your entire emotional history every time someone asks how your week’s been. It just means being real enough to open the door.

Instead of “I’m fine,” maybe it’s:

“Honestly, I’ve been a little overwhelmed this week.”
Or
“It’s been a rough stretch, but I’m hanging in there.”

You’d be surprised how often that kind of honesty changes the tone of the conversation. It gives the other person permission to exhale — to say, “Yeah, me too.”

And suddenly, it’s not two guys pretending everything’s great. It’s two men sharing the kind of truth that actually builds friendship.

Go First

So yes — check in with your friends. Send the text. Make the call.
But when they turn the question back on you, don’t shrug it off. Go first.

Because the moment you decide to be honest, you create a space where someone else can be too. And that might be exactly what they needed.

We talk a lot about men needing community — needing a tribe, needing connection.
But community doesn’t start with a big event or a retreat or a group chat. It begins in small moments of truth.

Moments when someone asks, “How are you really doing?”
And you tell them.

A Simple Challenge This Week

Think about one friend you haven’t heard from in a while.
Reach out. Ask how they’re doing.

And if they ask you the same question, tell them the truth — the real version, not the polite one.

Because that’s how this works — one honest conversation at a time.

So… how are you doing? Hit reply and let me know.

Until next time—
keep the fires burning.
– Clay

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